What Should I Do?
I generally have problems with the word should. Language and word choice have a powerful effect on thought-forms; certain words can color — or shade — the energy of your intentions in subtle ways that you are not consciously aware of. This post is an extension of the conversation I started in Better Messages for Manifesting.
3 Most Negative Forms of Should
In my observations, should shows up over and over again in three major contexts:
- Projective Should — expressing power over another
- Powerless Should — giving away your personal power
- Nagging Should — running an inner dialog of inaction
Projective Should
This is the language of advice, command, and control as spoken out loud from one person to another.
“You should…”
“You need to…”
“You know what you need to do?”
Obviously, when you ask for advice or help — when it is explicitly solicited — it is acceptable. But, beware people who communicate to you with sentences that begin in this way, especially when you have not invited them to do so — they are trying to control you.
For fifteen years, I lived in the shadow of my best friend, whose constant running monologue to everyone around him was “You should…” and “You need to…” I am sure that on some level he believed he was “helping” those he cared about, by offering his advice and leadership. Yet no one around him ever seemed capable of doing anything that wasn’t directly in service to his plans for them.
He became angry and distant, even completely ignoring, any plan of action you took on your own whose origins could not be directly traced back to his recommendations. He was most comfortable spending time with people who were hungry for this kind of constant direction. I constantly challenged him, and believed to some degree that the reason I was his “best” friend was that I could always be counted on to rebel.
Ultimately, I misjudged him. I just hadn’t rebelled enough. Once I began to blatantly confront the statements of what I should be doing, not to mention implementing plans of my own, I was no longer welcome in his world.
You know, if it’s your mother / father / sister / brother communicating with you in this manner, it’s understandable where that comes from; but becoming conscious of it and addressing it head on will change your life for the better.
Powerless Should
This shows up most often in the form of questions, especially those posed to your spirit guides, guardian angels, or as a preface to prayer. You may also find yourself asking other people these questions, which in essence, gives permission for them to respond with a projective, commanding should.
“What should I do?”
“Should I… or should I…?”
Used in rare circumstances, in the context of soliciting advice from someone you trust who is not prone to abuse or control, these statements can be constructive and motivated by love. Know that when you ask “should I…?” you are displaying impotence and expressing powerlessness; you are asking someone or something to take over for you. You are granting another force in your life the power of your free will by proxy. You are allowing them or expecting them to take over for you.
Those who are not hungry for power over you will not be comfortable with assuming this power. They will not jump directly into “You should…” and “What you need to do is…” without some hesitation. They don’t desire the responsibility, but will struggle in an attempt to support your power.
Avoid “should I…” in the context of prayer and soliciting assistance from your spirit guides. Remember, that they are not in control, they play a supportive role and require your direction to assist you.
Try reframing requests for divine guidance in the form of a plan. State an intention and a potential course of action, and ask your guides to weigh in:
“I intend to… Is this in line with my highest potential path and purpose? Where are my blind spots regarding this? Is there something I’m missing, here, or is there something I should be prepared to deal with as a result of taking this path? Assist me in taking this course, provide me with the resources and information I need, and present me with signs — physical, clear signs — that I’m on the right course. If there is a better solution, inspire me with options…”
Nagging Should
The most common occurrence of should, for me personally, is the incessant internal dialogue.
“I really should…”
“I need to…”
“I must…”
Examine your own internal monologues and dialogues — are you constantly presented with a laundry list of what you think you’re missing? Is there a broken record playing in your head of potential ways that your life would be better, if you only first…?
A nagging logic of options:
“If I did ____, then something desirable would occur…”
“If I could only make myself ____, everything would fall into place…”
On some level, you’re weighing possible courses of action, arguing for or against the various ways you could approach the idea of change or progress.
This internal conversation has the potential to loop to infinity, with absolutely no decision or course of action ever taking place!
“I should, I need to…” You can take this format and fill in the blanks indefinitely and create a constant soundtrack of hesitation and self-doubt. (At its most extreme — paralyzing psychic noise.)
What about just telling yourself I can?
I’ve been experimenting with various substitute affirmations and re-framing techniques for nagging should and I’ve come up with an alternative that works really well for me:
I can
Take any “I should” statement and substitute the words “I can.”
Most of these things that you tell yourself you should do are courses of action you believe to be within your power or else you wouldn’t be considering them.
I could
You might also use a softer transition I could to shift into a position of empowerment. I could is a healthier presentation of options, and plays off powerful statements of wonder and possibility — “What if…?” “I wonder…”
Sure you could; of course you could
You could do anything, given a commitment of your personal will. Could still leaves too much room for doubt. It lives in hesitation.
I can leaves all your options open, with an acknowledgment of your power. Without nagging you or simply presenting you with fodder for all the things that you’re failing to do.
I can is an absolutely true statement with no deadline. It is free of requirements of any kind, it is simply an affirmation of power.
Try it this week — every time you catch yourself thinking “I should” or “I need to” simply reframe those statements as “I can…” and observe how it shifts your power.
Your turn — Care to share a specific example from your internal dialogue that you can reframe in this way?
Contacting Your Spirit Guides - 101
Free resources for Shift Your Spirits readers:
- Read the ebook by Slade Roberson especially for beginners who want to know who/what spirit guides are and how to communicate with them
- Listen to the mp3 preview of the Spirit Guide Attunement portion of the Talking to Your Spirit Guides class by Slade Roberson
- Try the meditation to Meet a Guide contributed by Jeff Lilly of Druid Journal
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16 Responses to “What Should I Do?”
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Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I couldn’t agree with you more! I’m sure you get as many clients as I do that start phrasing their questions to their Guides with “should ..” This is the first thing we address - this sense of external authority that supercedes our own.
What I find, when we use the word “should” or are influenced by its use by others, is that our own clarity of intent is severely lacking. When we ask “should I …?” it’s often because we have no clue what we really want. The same is often true if we are influenced by someone else’s “shoulding” us.
If I find myself using “should,” it’s a clear red alert that I need to examine my intentions. Once we are clear, no “should” in the world has much of an influence.
Blessings,
Andrea
A really really good post, Slade. That nagging internal “should” voice is sometimes the main voice in my head I think. Right now I’ve got one saying I “should” finish this one painting before I do any other art and it’s just crippling me.
As to other “shoulds,” in my experience with my Guide/Daimon/Whatever, I have found that he simply will not answer questions like “What should I do?” Because he won’t or cannot tell me what to do. But if I ask, “What do you advise?” well, oh boy, I get an earful.
And thank you for reminding me of the power of “I can.”
Slade,
I used to repeat “I have to” a lot… the opposite of should, but with the same connotation. I used to burden myself taking on a lot of external responsibility in this way.
Now I substitute “I have to” with “I want to”. It reminds me that no matter how entrenched a habit, position, job, or other perceived responsibility has become, it is always me who has the last word about it, even if the consequences of going against a previous pattern may be severe. This way, I can’t fool myself into putting my priorities where I don’t want them to be.
Vitor
For me, the last paragraph under the heading Powerless Should says it all. Lack of clarity with any of the questions in this paragraph muddies the waters of intention, thereby compelling the use and abuse of should. I would even go so far as to think that the consistent use of this paragraph for major decisions in your life could (can) nip the use and abuse of should in the bud. Great post, Slade. I like the distinctions you make between the various shoulds.
I’m glad you touched on using “should” with spirit guides. I’ve told my guides that whenever I say “what should I do” I really mean “which path is most in line with my highest intentions”, which is quite a mouthful. Still, I can see the benefits of moving to an alternative shorthand that more clearly keeps the responsibility of the decision with me.
For some reason I’m thinking of Captain Picard (Star Trek: Next Generation) and how he would say something like “Options, Number One” or “Suggestions, Mr. Data”. Often he didn’t even use the tone of a question; it was an instruction and it was obvious that he maintained veto power.
BTW, I always loved how Picard said “Make it so!” With most actors that would sound cheesy or pompous, but Patrick Stewart could sell it like no one else.
Thank You Slade, I needed that tonight. Love You, XCHUN
Love this post Slade. I am soooo familiar with “Powerless Should” and “Nagging Should”, LOL! When I first started dowsing, I asked too many “should” questions and most times, all I got were undecided answers. I realized after some time that I may not get any real answers until I finally take ownership of my decisions and responsibilities. It’s our life, and while we crave for answers, we need to know there’s a difference between Divine guidance and relingquishing our free will.
Irene
Great article, Slade.
Another “should” I’ve noticed is one which keeps people stuck in the past instead of living in the present: “That should never have happened”, “Things should have been different”. As with the other “shoulds”, it’s very disempowering.
Whenever I ask my spirit guides a question starting with “Should I…” (I’ve learned, and it’s rare that I phrase my questions this way, but it does still happen!), they gently remind me that it’s simply an unanswerable question and ask for more specifics regarding my intentions and what I consider the criteria for a “successful” outcome :). I usually catch myself when I start asking a question this way, as it’s a sure sign that I’m not yet clear on my intentions!
Andrea,
Thanks! Yes, indeed, the questions I get from clients really initially red-flagged this thought process for me, and how we tend to express. But I must say, I’m not immune, and catch myself more in the “nagging should” mode…
You know, re-framing, improving the relationship between our words and the intentions behind them, has such broad implications and intrigues me on so many levels, in so many environments.
Some of the things I love most about your book Unlock Your Intuition are the sections on improving our questions. I would like to start a big folder/ collection of best recommendations for asking better questions, re-stating intentions, etc. Maybe we could do another tele-class at some point and make that the focus…?
Thalia,
I am a creative project plate-spinner, what Barbara Sher calls a “scanner” in her book Refuse to Choose : A program for doing everything you love…
In a sea of self-improvement titles and potential “that’s nice” shelf-help, that book addressed for me, once and for all, how what you describe plays out in the minds of a lot of creatives. I would really call it “life-changing” because it goes against all that “you gotta focus, you gotta follow through” advice and gives you permission to work with your inherent creative energies… It’s really powerful to hear you’re not going about it “wrong” so much as you’ve been taught a lot of techniques and beliefs that conflict with your own flow.
You certainly CAN complete that piece before you move on, but ask yourself, what would happen if I didn’t?
I don’t know about you, but sometimes working on those multiple pieces, in stages, simultaneously is the magic “thing” that any one of them may be missing.
Your guide’s resistance to answering “Should I…?” questions — exactly! I feel this is the reason why when we feel most powerless, in need of direction, and pray from that head space, we end up with divine static…
Vitor,
Great addition to this conversation! Re-framing “I have to…” with “I want to…” — good recommendation. There’s definitely an overlap. I wonder if some of those “I have to…” statements might also bend nicely to simply “I can…”
(You might not always want to, but just knowing you have the ability, and the power…)
You’re right though, now that I think about it, a lot of my “I have to…” items are tasks I invited, I aspired to, I asked for… Reminding myself that so much of the work I take on, I am truly grateful for and happy to have, is a good basic gratitude principle.
Christos,
Thanks — that paragraph is sort of a mish-mash of alternatives, with any one of them having the potential to re-set an intention. They are just my on-the-fly suggestions, and of course they are hypotheticals, but I do offer them as a kind of template. I agree with you, a regular re-framing of intention really frees you from using the “should” at all…
Emily,
You bring up a very good point about regularly communicating with your guides — I don’t feel you have to start from scratch with every conversation. I often set up “programs” with my guides, which means, I establish sort of blanket protocols. “When I slip up and say ____, know that what I’m really asking is ___”
This is a powerful technique. Remember when you were a kid playing with other children, and you’d have those creative, flowing games where someone is always shouting out “New Rule!” and making amendments even as the game is in progress? I sort of think of it like that…
One area I use this a lot is psychic protection — I establish an on-going list of energies and circumstances that I wish to avoid and direct my guides to just take care of it, without my even needing to know about it.
Captain Picard — YES! Wonderful… God, how many things in life could we successfully model after Jean Luc? Your examples of how his questions are framed as commands - perfect!
You know, Jean Luc, to me, is one of the most powerful fictional aspects of Archangel Michael. “Make it so” is the Michaelite T-shirt and Bumper Sticker and the shining example of benevolent will.
Xchun!
[one of my greatest "real life" friends appears!]
I love seeing a comment from you here. Don’t be a virtual stranger.
Irene,
I could see how dowsing would require you to discover the most effective format for questions. It sort of forces you to author the questions/ statements in such a way that the Yes / No response can be clear.
I’ve also found, with any form of Yes / No divination that there’s always a lot of conditional suffixes that want to come through: Yes if, Yes but, No but.
I like your point about not getting a “real” answer until you’ve reached a certain level of responsibility and clear intention. So true…
Mags,
They ARE unanswerable questions — that’s a perfect way to put it! I wonder how often people ask unanswerable questions, and then think there’s something wrong with their ability to receive the answers or responses, when really your guides are sending it back to the kitchen to cook a little further, you know?
The Time-traveling Should!
Oh, yes, indeed. I think any conditionals that require linear time to be rewritten… well, talk about impossible to work with. For anyone who’s stuck in their faulty time-machine requiring their past reality to change. Give it up! There’s no more extreme case of wasting time than wasting your present experience on circumstances that literally do not exist anymore.
“Things should have been different…” But they’re NOT! This is such a helpless, delusional place to be in… Pray for everyone on earth to release such an approach…
Hi Slade,
I’ve definitely experienced the ’should’ thing. It’s come up in a couple of places and so I think it’s important for me right now. When I first got involved with talking directly with Spirit, I tried to get God to take over my life. Obviously it didn’t work very well. In fact, it made me feel kind of crazy there for awhile and I had to back way off. It also might explain why now I can sometimes be really on my guard about spiritual things. I think your way of thinking about spirit is a lot healthier.
But this reminds me of something in Xenophon’s Memorable Thoughts of Socrates where a sophist tells Socrates to pick anything and the sophist will show it to be both good and bad. Socrates basically says it’s an incomplete phrase. Good for what? In order for something to be a complete phrase, you have to say what end something is good for before you can decide whether it’s good or bad.
I think it might be a similar thing with ’should’. Before a ’should’ or a ‘have to’ statement can be complete there needs to be an ‘in order to’ statement attached. As in ‘I have to get to the bus stop by 6:30 in order to be sure to catch the bus.”
So there’s my pet theory on the topic. What do you think?
Bob,
I think your insight, or your connecting the conversation with this Socratic concept, is quite brilliant. (And thank you for the link, it seems a number of people have followed it…)
“In order to…” is a great remedy for the lack of intention, or lack of clarity about your intentions.
Completing these shoulds with in order to… defines that intention, and if nothing else, lets you immediately see if something is missing from your thought process.
Thank you for calling my approach to spirit healthy — what an incredible compliment, and certainly my intention. So wonderful for me to know that, even in my sometimes magical, mystical, or “out there” back door approach, a practical, common sense, grounded message is coming through. I really appreciate your saying so.
That you felt kinda crazy for awhile, in letting God completely take over your life, makes me think of people spending too much time in the astrals — you can get trapped in all that magic and mysticism, hence the whole need for maintaining a harmony with the physical and common sense.
Interesting in-depth insight! I pay a lot of attention to words, partly because English is my second language, I guess. Shoulds are really nasty. In fact, I wrote a post, too, on this word — please check it out to amuse yourself how each person can write unique articles on basically the same issue ^_^
The One Word That’s Sucking Up Your Energy Right Now.
Thanks for link Akemi!
Isn’t it cool how much collective conscious is evidenced in the synchronicities of our posts?
Slade, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you for mentioning that Barbara Sher book. I went and ordered it last week just out of curiosity (and because I found it for like $1.49 at amazon and I figured what the hey?) and it arrived today; oh my freakin’ god there’s a name for the way my brain works? And there are strategies for dealing with the way my brain works? And the way my brain works is a good thing? And I’m not lazy, or unfocused, or lacking discipline???
It feels like my shoulders have finally come down from around my ears, after having been there for years all unnoticed.
Life-changing, indeed!
Thalia!
Yes!
That’s exactly how I felt. Your comment was the first “message” I read this morning, and I must tell you it has made my day.
When that book first came out in hardcover, I discovered it during a four year period when being able to buy any new book was not an option for me. I literally went to “visit” the book for several days in a row at Border’s, like it was a friend in prison…
Its message gave me a permission that was an absolute turning point in my life, my career. I can’t help but feel that there are a lot of people diagnosed with ADD or depression who really need this sense of awareness. You can’t write a prescription for an epiphany like that.
I am thrilled to be able to share that huge shift with someone else. And forever grateful to Barbara Sher for putting that out into the world.
Should. Ugh. I’m not a big fan of the word. I often point out to my clients when they are shoulding on themselves. And then I always ask them, “Is it true?” I guess I have to say that it is never true. Very nice post. Thanks for making me think about should some more.