Self Esteem and Relationships
In my post on truths about relationships and soul mates, I included “Listen carefully when someone tells you she’s not good enough for you — this is truth straight from the source.”
I intended this statement to be ironic — and I maybe I was a bit too clipped and cheeky… The original post was a topics lists for other articles, and this particular statement seems to be the first many people wanted to discuss further. So, allow me to elaborate.
image by Gabriela Camerotti via Creative Commons on Flickr
Three Potential Sources of Truth
You’ll note that I used smaller-case truth and source in the my thesis statement — not The Truth and not The Source.
Universal Source | Universal Reality | Universal Truth — it goes without saying the Universe (God, Spirit, Source, the Creator) does not allow for any individual to be more worthy than another.
Your Source | Your Reality | Your Truth – obviously, you’re not judging someone you love as not good enough for you — just the opposite. Your Truth reflects the Universal Truth.
His/Her Source | His/Her Reality | His/Her Truth — the only other facet of what is true for an individual, is what s/he believes.
We’re dealing with a three-legged stool here — a perfectly sturdy structure, unless one of the legs is broken. No matter how strong the other two legs are, they can not compensate for or bear the load for the whole, and by so doing un-break or fix the weak one. It must be mended, healed, corrected.
Relationships are synergies — where the total is greater than the sum of the individual parts. When I say “this is the truth” I mean you have been alerted to a powerful reality regarding the relationship.
When someone tells you she is not good enough for you, she is expressing her reality — in which case it is literally true — it becomes true — for her. When someone tells you he is not worthy of your esteem, he is alerting you to his perspective — the one from which he operates.
His motivations in communicating this may be:
- to warn you. His intentions to let you know who you’re dealing with may be lovingly motivated.
- to prompt your affirmation. He may need to hear the message that his self-judgment is wrong; but he is seeking an external source of personal power, where he will not find it.
- to manipulate you. He may consciously be playing you emotionally, in which case there are a million other problems with this relationship and you should certainly run like hell.
You are an individual expression of Divine Source; and so is anyone with whom you enter into a relationship. These sources are original, unique, yet identically balanced in their pure spirit forms. They have equal power to shape reality.
Someone who is operating from a reality where he believes he is not powerful, is not powerful. His beliefs — the words he uses to describe and communicate those beliefs — manifest his experience, his reality, and all the outcomes of those stated intentions.
He will make decisions according to his truth.
He will take action according to his truth.
He will reinforce this truth in a feedback loop of self-fulfillment — which in many (if not most) cases translates as his ego looking to sabotage the relationship rather than release the negative self it has become comfortable with.
Where does self-esteem come from?
There’s an obvious truth in the prefix we attach to the phrase self-esteem.
Healthy self-esteem is discovered/formed at a very early age, when the child’s ego both over-identifies as the center of the Universe, and looks for power and authority to come from external sources. This is why all forms of child abuse or neglect are so devastating and pervasive. But once individual wills are formed, in relation to others, adults must choose to continue giving away their power.
Even if you have been victimized, you do have the will within you — at some point — no matter what you’ve lived through — to transcend it. To choose your reality.
You do not have the power to transfer self-esteem to another person. You may hold her in esteem, but you cannot make her feel differently about herself. Can you impact someone in a positive way? Of course — indeed, it may be the reason why you are in the relationship. You can create a loving, safe environment in which she can change herself. But you can’t change her. At some point, it is her choice.
One of my closest friends who is a psychotherapist describes what he “does” in his work as walking with someone wherever she needs to go. Not driving her. Not changing her. Not fixing her. Holding a space of safety and support in which someone may heal herself. Or discover the truth that she can accept and choose to be healed.
We are all broken to some degree. We are all here to discover our self-worth — it may be one of the universal facets of a spiritual mission. We are the way by which the Creator experiences itself. In relationships, we act as one another’s hand-mirrors, held up to the individual expressions of God within each one of us.
I’m not suggesting that you should not love another person who hasn’t figured out how to switch this self-esteem — this divine personal power — into the on position. The one thing you can do is provide a working example of what it looks like to love yourself — this could be especially powerful for someone who did not witness this as a child.
I’m not suggesting that you can’t provide a loving, compassionate environment in which someone may heal himself.
I’m just stating that, if you are seeking to create a healthy, whole, mutually beneficial, equally balanced relationship with someone, and she presents you with her truth… Realize, with your eyes wide open, that this is as good as the truth.
God doesn’t have a self-esteem problem.
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15 Responses to “Self Esteem and Relationships”
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Slade, Your main point is valuable to understand. Indeed their truth is the basis from which they are deciding and operating within the relationship.
Nathaniel Branden (also a psychotherapist) agrees. “To trust one’s mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem. There is no greater barrier to romantic happiness than the fear that I am undeserving of love and that my destiny is to be hurt.”
Love this insight.
I find out more about others by what they make fun of me for and what secrets they share with me than about myself.
This seems to be a timely warning to look out for
Thank you and I will heed it as I believe that this came from source 
Thank you Slade
What a powerful article - when somebody tells you who they are; believe them. Within the parameters of the work I do with offering methods that one can employ to transmute their sense of self, I have found the “N” comes to my awareness more and more when they relate their challenges over the vast spectrum of relationship; the N-word being Narcissism.
Within my own relationships I always look for the way good will is expressed, not free will.
Tom,
I think Nathaniel Branden wisely and succinctly said what I was trying to so — with so many fewer words. Very nice quote — thanks for contributing it!
Ken,
What are others making fun of you for? Care to elaborate?
Sonja,
Too bad there’s not a “detector” app for the iPhone yet. Until then, we’ll just have to spot the red flags the old fashioned way.
Anita,
Thanks! I had not specifically thought of relating this to narcissism — although I think I have an inkling of where those connections could be made with this argument. Maybe you’ll write a post about it on your blog…? If so, link here and let us know.
Slade, you make a valid point in saying that self-esteem affects every being. This is often denied, ignored or overlooked. Reasons exist for every reaction. Its part of a person’s process to discern the underlying reasons for emotions. Human beings view their own conditions based on their current awareness. The fear of being labelled is something everyone can relate to on some level, but not everyone is willing to face and do what it takes to overcome this fear. As you reflect on your life from where you stand, this triggers a series of aha moments. You register visions, dreams and multi-sensual experiences based on what you are now willing to accept. You sense new significance in a series of experiences and relationships. The universe is always mirroring back the truth that a person is seeking. It is just that it is necessary to remove the veil.
Hey Slade- Perhaps I didn’t articulate my point to the fullest before. When I stated “I find out more about others by what they make fun of me for”. I should have perhaps said when someone criticizes me. The choice of the phrase “make fun of…” probably makes people flash back to grade school or sounds like a bully taunting a weaker soul. But the things I am talking about are, for example, if someone tells you the shirt you are wearing is not a good color or if say, “your sneakers are quite different than what I normally would like” or “those aren’t the glasses I would have picked out for you” There are people like this who make subtle hints and when I run across them I realize that it is more about them and their low self-worth then the topic of their “attack”. To connect to your article, it is from her/his reality these comments are based, not your reality. Don’t be hurt by their comments. People with low self- esteem, see the faults in others to raise themselves up. And it is good to stay objective, when you encounter someone who is critical and realize where the initial truth lies.
Did that make sense or did I paint myself into a spiritual corner?
Have been musing over making a post about this on one of my blogs. Kind of have in a way over at http://bulokebill.blogspot.com relating my personal experiences with narcissists.
Hey Slade,
Excellent message. !!
I once heard a quote about self worth….
To paraphrase it…
When you know your worth because
others tell you, that is other worth.
When you know your own worth that is self worth.
Maybe your next piece could be - Self Esteem and Self.
Self esteem is not just a corner stone of an individual,
it’s the entire foundation.
To quote Ralph Waldo Emerson from his essay
Self-Reliance………..
‘A man should learn to detect and watch that gleam of light which
flashes across his mind from within, more than the luster
of the firmament of bards and sages.
Yet he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his.’
I believe it is low self esteem that causes a person not to
trust their own intuition, or messages from spirit.
Near the end of the essay Emerson says this……
‘Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.’
(Self-Reliance was first published in 1841 as
one of 12 Essays named - Essays)
For reading the entire essay - Self-Reliance:
http://www.youmeworks.com/selfreliance.html
For the entire 12 essays:
History
Self-Reliance
Compensation
Spiritual Laws
Love
Friendship
Prudence
Heroism
The Over-Soul
Circles
Intellect
Art
http://www.emersoncentral.com/essays1.htm
xo xo
Deb-N-Ohio
Ken you have a point. It is like some of them are trying to take some of your self-esteem, so they can fix theirs. I noticed when you don’t seem to care about their negative feedback, they get frustrated.
I even notice this within some family members.
Exactly, Vel.
And your non-interest can be done in a respectful way. If I didn’t ask how my hair looked or jeans or bracelet, then why do they feel the need to tell me they don’t like it to my face. Once the investigative light is shown in their eyes, by your internal readjustment of their views, it becomes clear that these adverse opinions can not hurt you because they come from outside your perspective.
A good lesson to teach anyone who has ever been bullied. It isnt about you, ever.
Peace.
Love this article, Slade! It’s so true - no matter what, we cannot change someone else’s reality for them. We can only uphold that they are creating exactly the experience they need, and that this experience is perfect, or it wouldn’t be what it is!
Easier said than done
Blessings,
Andrea
I love this article! This is so true, and I experienced it directly with my last relationship. These were her exact words to me: “I don’t deserve you, you’re too good for me.” At the time, I shrugged it off, thinking that if I only loved her enough, she would see that she deserved the love. In the end, she kept looking for ways to make it true, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It was a painful lesson for me, but whenever someone says that they don’t deserve you, the only right reaction is to say “you’re right,” and walk away.
Liara,
I like what you said about “the universe is always mirroring back the truth that a person is seeking.” Very well put.
Ken,
I totally get what you’re saying — the criticisms are projections/reflections. I actually turn this around on my self a lot and watch for the critical thoughts that I feel toward someone — these are vital clues about ME — as you said looking in a mirror. It’s very interesting when you start evaluating why you react negatively to certain people, or why some detail “bugs” you about someone else, in the context of that Mirror.
Anita,
Thanks for the link!
Deb,
You’re just full of great quotes! I think the first one, about discerning the difference between external and internal worth is a nice, succinct metric for isolating that self-worth / self-esteem…
Vel,
Oh, people hate it when their projections just die on them, without being absorbed and energized by their intended targets… Puts me in mind of how Living Well is the Best “Revenge.” When you don’t validate someone else’s beliefs, it forces them to consider changing themselves… Julia Cameron refers to this as their “making YOU the Monster in the Mirror, so they don’t have to change.”
Ken,
Bullies piss me off almost as much as passive-aggressive communicators.
Andrea,
Doesn’t it suck that someone has chosen the perfect lesson of being in pain. Oh, ugh. Sadly, so true.
Jay,
It’s like she is begging you to convince her of something you can’t… And your failure to do so is used as more fodder — more proof — of that negative self-view.
Wow. I could not have read this article at a better time. I’ve been going through something that has me questioning my own sanity, because others are telling me and treating me as though my feelings are not of worth. That there must be something wrong with me. It feels like some sort of midlife crisis though I’m only 22. Yet, these people are very ego centric, critical, and cruel. Classic narcissists. Very underdeveloped sense of empathy and they remain in constant denial. They don’t realize it because they’re ego does not allow them to. It hurts even more because this comes from my family.
I was abused as a child as well. Thank you Slade. It was a powerful experience reading all of this. It has been a hard road to transcend to survivor rather than victim. I’m not fully there yet, as it is a long process as one can imagine. But I’m getting there and know things can only go up, but I must chose them. It takes chances to make changes.
Ken, everything you said made sense. I’ve experienced everything you’ve mentioned.
It was also great to read that bullying is never about the victim, ever. Sometimes the victim tends to forget that, from being constantly bullied or being around bullies. Mental bullies are the worst. I just have to remind myself that it’s not about me. But it’s hard when you are surrounded.
Your blog helps me realize that I don’t have to be stuck in a phase of self pity and despair. The negative feelings can so frequent and strong it’s hard to see the light. You’ve helped me become aware of my own personal power, and I will remind myself of that from now on whenever I feel powerless.