The Book of Faded Green

Image - Green Journal I believe the most life-changing — practical — personal development skill you may ever acquire and learn to use is the conscious management of Negative Self-Talk.

This is the Voice that corrupts all others — self-defeating, self-sabotaging. It’s the Channel where the mind viruses of the Collective are stored and replayed on heavy rotation.

It’s the inconsiderate person in the theater who talks over a film. It’s the chatterbox who won’t let you enjoy your favorite song. It’s the unruly child that won’t let you read or concentrate.

A Career based on journaling?
From the time I was old enough to read, I knew I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. During my elementary school years, I assumed that career would look something like a cross between C.S. Lewis and Judy Blume.

Yet, when I was thirteen years old my guides started insisting on the word “diarist” — not “journalist” (I asked, all the time). Really? A diarist? Who makes money keeping journals? I started to read a lot of famous diarists — Anne Frank, Virginia Woolf… I was confused about how this could be a key to my future writing career — maybe disturbed is a better word — most well-known diaries emerged only after the authors were deceased. Or they were personal records of people whose lives were significant for other reasons.

Of course, this was decades before the invention of blogs… So, what do you know? Now, writing journals (blogging) is indeed a type of writing career.

My Colored Journal Concepts
In my teens and twenties, most of the journals I wrote in were precious objects — the people close to me regularly gave me gorgeous designer blank books as gifts, of all different materials and colors.

Rather than keeping purely chronological journals, I began to simultaneously maintain multiple “topical” personal writing projects — the concept for each journal was defined by a metaphor based on the book’s physical appearance — usually this was a “literary” color-filter device.

The various diaries/topics had evocative, dramatic names like:

The Book of Blood, Wine, and Roses — a dark-red silk cover, with an on-going diatribe of passion and anger
The Book of Gray Skies — a smoky velvet cover like a rainy Sunday, chock full of gag-inducing melancholy teen angst co-authored by Eeyore
The Book of Leaves — a pulpy Japanese rice-paper affair bound in actual dried leaves and held closed with a twig-and-hemp clasp, minimally marked with brief, haiku-ish, Zen-wannabe observations of the natural world

You get the idea… Oh, the drama! I chuckle at young Slade.

In my thirties, I began to keep identical “standardized” hardcover black sketchbooks — since then, it’s been serious, intentional, utilitarian, and ultimately digital. The End of the Rainbow on my bookshelf is marked by a major turning point.

The Book of Faded Green
The last colored diary I wrote was bound in mossy suede and was called The Book of Faded Green. At that time, I began working with the concept of Gratitude journaling and Morning Pages (as in Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way). I realized something painfully horrible about all the diaries up to that point — they were all so G-D Whiny, Pathetic, and Negative. Who would ever want to read that? I didn’t even want to read it.

The healing green energy of my heart chakra, the life force of my spirit, had faded — and I needed desperately to change the channel.

When my guides say “Faded Green”
When I do private readings for clients who are suffering from a severe case of Heavy-Rotation Negative Self-Talk, my guides will simply say “Faded Green” — it’s a kind of clairaudient short-hand, a personal frame of reference for a very specific prescription that the individual requires.

The form of the “assignment” our guides will suggest will vary slightly from one client to the next, but it generally means they require an exercise to consciously identify, shift, and re-train their word-choice.

Your Re-greening Exercise

I am speaking from a place of personal experience — I have so much compassion for this psychic dis-ease — and I know that the only way I shifted these voices of negative self-talk is by becoming very strict about allowing them.

Often, I read your background emails for private consultations and all the focus is on what’s wrong, what you don’t like, what you can’t, why you can’t…

I reached a real breaking point with this madness when I was twenty-nine years old. To some degree it was an epiphany, where I detached from my years of journaling enough to read them objectively — and I found that they were pages and pages and pages of What Was Wrong.

It’s not realistic to think that you won’t encounter challenges or respond to them emotionally or feel daunted, but you can put in place and practice some rules regarding negativity.

At that time, I started that new faded-green journal to train these thought patterns (whether you actually write/journal or simply think, the word choices you make have power and it takes practice to re-train your habitual thinking patterns).

I made a simple, overarching rule that I was NOT ALLOWED to state or list what was wrong without also presenting some potential solution. For example “I keep bouncing checks. I suck.” Can’t stop there — it must be transmuted through taking it one more step. “I keep bouncing checks. It sucks. For the next month I am going to write down every expense I have and balance my check book and account every day if necessary to keep this behavior from continuing.”

“I’m depressed. I need to go to my therapist but I don’t like the one I have.” Can’t stop there — if I’m going to list such a statement, it needs to have a potential solution attached — something — an Action — I can at least TRY. “I’m depressed, and I’m not happy about the therapist I have. I am going to make some calls and find some other counselors I can interview.”

Yeah, all these types of actions are a bit of “extra work” — but they are the only thing that will create change. And whether or not the actions themselves “work,” the most important component is training your mind to recognize the limited, self-defeating thoughts when you have them and carry the thought process forward, at least one step.

So, make a similar rule with yourself: You are not allowed to list an excuse, a dislike, a fear, and simply leave it at that. If you stop there, you will stay there.

The inertia will be reinforced and it will eventually become paralyzing. Momentum can also be reinforced and increased… Just like the “little negative thoughts” are not One Big Bad Bomb, yet are small, cumulative negative self-speak sprinkled throughout your inner dialogue, the Potential Positives work in the same way — not One Big Magic Solution, yet a mosaic of small hopes and visions of something better, brick by brick, word by word.

I’ll give you an assignment, to start changing this right now. You don’t need to start an entire journal — you can try a one-off writing exercise:

Write yourself a letter or an email and let your Negative Voice have total control over the microphone — invite it to do its pissy, complaining, pathetic best. How ugly can it really get? Go for it!
Then, read back over it. Copy and paste it into a new document or email.
Go through this letter line by line, sentence by sentence…
For every negative statement, I want you to present a solution. “I really hate looking for a job BUT I’m… going to do it anyway.” “I hate making calls or putting in applications BUT I’m… going to put in 3 applications this week… BUT I’m… going to send out one resume each day.”

A Phenomenal Sign
Something really bizarre and physical happened to me and my Book of Faded Green. I don’t know if it was the oils on my fingertips, the wear on the nap of the suede from being handled, or some combination… over the course of the months that I worked with that journal, the color began to darken and the surface became worn, bright, and slick. By the time I filled it, the cover of that journal had become bright and shiny green… like a new leaf.

Slade's signature

The cool key-journal pictured above was created by Moxylyn

October 4, 2009 | by Slade Roberson | Filed Under Writing

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Comments

6 Responses to “The Book of Faded Green”

Betsy Brown on October 4th, 2009 5:22 pm

Great exercise, Slade!
Ken on October 4th, 2009 6:10 pm

Slade,
Hello. I like this very much and as always you have turned a key in a closed portion of my mind and unlocked it.

I love to journal and write what I call memory lessons, where I can reflect upon a past event and then see it from a new, older wiser self. I just recently started to daily journal again after 9 years. I know a long time. I have a series of journals from 1995-2000 and then somewhere a 2004 volume and finally started again in 2009. I began writing on the very next page I left off on nine years prior. I find journaling helps me make sense of my world and the people and events that surround me and I find repetitive patterns like, ” This upsets me…” that if they reoccur often in my writings, I need to solve them and address the problem head on.
I keep a series of three identical volumes and then change them to a different 3 as they fill up. I have named my journal “With This Planet in My Hands.” and when it is up to date ( I write everyday or in combination of 3 days) I feel calm and centered. My goal always is to make my journal’s inner voice match my outer everyday voice.. to be honest and true to who I am.
Just a day ago, my partner and I made a challenge to each other to stop the person*gently* if he was expressing a negative thought about a person, situation or himself. And to say, “Let’s change the subject.” It is harder than we thought but it helps to try and now to add your example of seeing a solution in those thoughts is masterful.
I haven’t done the written blog thing yet ,only with photos, but some day I might share with the World my deepest inner thoughts in some form or another.

Peace.
Memory Box on October 5th, 2009 10:46 am

You are so right with the negative thoughts aspect of your statement;
it is so easy to sit there thinking miserable things and getting near that downward spiral, and the hardest, hardest part of it is to admit to yourself there is a solution. You just have to kick your butt off the floor and into action.
Jeremy M. Bennett - Purpose Without Fail! on October 6th, 2009 12:14 am

Great Post Slade!
- I’m not sure when my faded green journal turned bright green as it were… I do know that I am much more aware about negativity that people have that are around me - it stands out like a sore thumb!! - Here is a passage that comes to mind:

“The greatest crime in the Universe against the Law of Love is humanity’s almost ceaseless sending forth of every kind of irritable and destructive feeling … As the noise from a sudden explosion shocks the nervous system of one who hears it - in exactly the same way do the flares of irritated feeling shock, disturb and disarrange the finer substance in the atomic structure of the mind, body and world of the person who sends them out - consciously or unconsciously - intentionally or unintentionally - it is the producer of conditions we call disintegration, old age, lack of memory, and every other failure in the world of human experience.”

… ok, and per the spirit of the post, I will post the solution
The answer, is to Meditate on the Light. It has been a great practice for me . For anyone who would like the meditation specifically, let me know - I would be happy to send it.

“Remember always: ‘One becomes that upon which he meditates’ and since all things have come forth from the Light, Light is the Supreme Perfection and Control of all things. Contemplation and adoration of the Light compels illumination to take place in the mind - health, strength, and order to come into the body - and peace, harmony, and success to manifest in the affairs of every individual who will really do it and seeks to maintain it.”

- St. Germain, “Unveiled Mysteries” by pp.10-12

Thanks again, for who you are, and what you do

- Jeremy
Anna Conlan ~ Healing and Insight on October 7th, 2009 12:17 am

Hi, Slade! Lovely post.

You know, something else I’ve found useful to getting control over negative self-talk is by NOT allowing myself to discuss or focus on the negatives of a situation with other people. That is, unless I’m doing it to find a solution. Otherwise, I’ve noticed it gets whiny and is a waste of energy.
Slade Roberson on October 10th, 2009 2:10 pm

Thanks Betsy, glad it spoke to you!

Ken,

The intention you mentioned “My goal always is to make my journal’s inner voice match my outer everyday voice” is certainly ideal — assuming that your inner voice/your journals are indeed positive and free of negative patterns. Which makes this exercise an ideal approach to ensuring that!

Identifying those recurring expressions such as “This upsets me…” as areas to address is a valuable tool.

Having a partner whom you communicate with all the time engage with you in policing those patterns is very fortunate.

Very pleased to help you “unlock” those doors — awesome!

Memory Box,

Yes, indeed, you can find solutions with a bit of extra effort…

Jeremy,

Thanks for sharing a perfect example. I agree with you that the negativity is a contribution that we all make to the Whole, and if we can control nothing else, at least we can decline to participate in that way as individuals.

Anna,

You’re right — I recently heard Cheryl Richardson talking about how listening to someone whining and complaining is NOT being “supportive” at all — although we like to think it does. It may even be a form of enabling. We might also infect other people with our mind viruses… I tend to quarantine myself and use a friend as a sounding board for those potential solutions, just as the extra step in this exercise.