Let it go.
Surrender this whole … grasping thing.
You’re spending way too much energy on what’s missing…
But, hold on — let’s make sure you spin this right:
It’s not “give up” because “that ship has sailed.”
This is about tapping into the phenomenon where the things you’re looking for usually show up the minute you stop striving so hard to find them.
Now, you can’t cheat this magic.
You can’t “pretend” not to look, yet really be looking…
Surrendering this constant “love hunt” is about redirecting your energy to the person you’ve always wanted to become.
That version of yourself is the same person as who you want to be when you meet the love of your life.
So trust that you can let it go.
You’re not going to “miss” anything that’s meant for you.
It’ll happen when it happens, and you can either waste energy on it or effortlessly allow it to find you.
Let it find you busy making other amazing things happen in the world.
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Your ex is getting married.
You saw the engagement pics on Facebook.
You’re internally beating yourself up for having such a petty emotional response.
“Even that asshole has someone … really?”
“There must be something profoundly wrong with me that I’m still alone, while…”
It’s entirely human to have this internal conversation; but while you’re at it, ask yourself:
“Who do I want to be when I meet the love of my life?”
Prioritize becoming that person.
The better you know yourself, the more likely you and your potential mate can recognize one another.
It’s not about finding them; it’s about finding you.
Focus on a passion that has nothing to do with anyone else.
Alone or partnered (or something else) it’s a win in all potential scenarios.
Image credit h.koppdelaney via Creative Commons on Flickr
I was becoming increasingly disappointed with some of my friends.
Over the past several months, the evidence of what they seemed to lack was continually mounting. In my mind, whispers began, false logic about conditional love:
“If he would only… then I could…”
“She needs to stop… or I can’t continue to…”
I was making myself miserable with everyone’s shortcomings. Everyone’s failures left me feeling isolated. It was starting to seem easier to just retreat, withdraw, get rid of everyone…
Then I read this:
“When I look at a sunset, I don’t say, ‘Soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put a bit more purple in the cloud color.'” Pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers was describing the way he observed the world. “I don’t try to control a sunset,” he continued. “I watch it with awe.” He had a similar view about people. “One of the most satisfying experiences,” he said, “is just fully to appreciate an individual in the same way I appreciate a sunset.”
Your emotional well-being will thrive as you refrain from trying to “improve” people — as you see and enjoy them for who they are.
— Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology
This wisdom needs no improvement.
It shifted everything.
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Your intuitive impressions about people happen when you first meet them. In the very first seconds that you meet them, possibly even before (if, say, you meet them online).
We’re talking about the purely intuitive — alarms, bells, gut feelings, red flags, warning signs. These are easiest to sense when no other form of information has come into to play yet.
These early intuitions are quick and accurate, but not necessarily easy to discern or synthesize.
The longer you know someone, the more the Thinking Mind has a chance to modify these initial impressions.
Logic, rationality, thought, social convention — all start unraveling your intuition from the moment of the first hello.
Sometimes, the lack of specifics prove to be a good thing — you interpret it wrong. That wall you sense? Yes, it’s there, but not because she thinks she’s better than you, it’s there because she’s mortally shy.
I was wrong when I said my partner Nick had broken up with me without my having any intuition whatsoever. That’s not entirely accurate.
Let me clarify:
I did not have any intuitive warning right before the final events went down — say, in the days or weeks leading up to that moment. I had an intuitive impulse when I first laid eyes on him.
Recounting the story of how we met to a friend one time, I described a powerful sense of change that I felt the first time I saw him. There was no love at first sight — there was a sense of impending change at first sight. And there was dread along with it.
I spent the first few weeks that we dated tossing and turning every night, suffering from what I thought was irrational anxiety, finding myself rehearsing ways to break up before it even got started. I tried to think of every excuse in the world to “get out of it.”
I drove myself crazy trying to unravel those negative emotions. When I confided in close friends and family, issues of trust came up — questions of whether or not I was “blocking love,” if I might not be “commitment-phobic.”
I had been single for thirteen years prior to this, so yeah, I agreed with the whole “I’m putting up a wall” thing. I must “be afraid” of being in a relationship, etc.
I didn’t want to be that guy. In order to not be that guy, at some point, you have to choose to trust. And you have to go all-in on your bets. A life partnership is not something to which you can partially commit and expect it to succeed.
As we got to know each other, in the cold light of day, my fears became increasingly vague and seemed nonsensical, not attached to the rational, logical reality that I was experiencing. And I had chosen to trust him, so I did; everything he told me became fact and was granted greater significance than my own twinges of insecurity.
My intuition did warn me.
It was powerfully strong, it was accurate. But it was impossible to initially synthesize, to “translate” into a specific “prediction.”
But, looking back, I knew.
Right there at the very beginning, for just a heartbeat — I knew.
And all that I’ve “learned” from this experience, I’ve learned many times before.
Your life lessons repeat. You don’t get new ones nearly as often as the old ones resurface, in a new disguised form, harder, stronger, faster, and meaner than the last time you went up against them…like getting to another level in a video game.
So what’s the point then?
I believe your life lessons are about how quickly you can apply the wisdom you’ve acquired, how much you can choose to alleviate your own suffering by making the right decisions, the ones you know you are ultimately required to make.
It’s off-topic, but hindsight gives that story about my haunting my own house a whole different spin, huh?
I’ve been accused of being openly pessimistic in my writings about romantic love.
Having been single for thirteen years, I’ve admittedly wondered how “qualified” I am to talk about soul mates. In my past serious relationships, my partners have not reciprocated my feelings. I don’t say that to sound pathetic. It’s simply the truth.
I’ve had to trust that when I do a Reading for someone, my personal experience is irrelevant. My intuition provides the guidance, but it’s not about me.
The advice I’ve been giving to others over the years has proven to be true…I’ve witnessed some convincing evidence.
Becoming who you’ve always wanted to become — focusing on a passion that has nothing to do with anyone else — this is the key ingredient to attracting the right partner.
It’s not about finding them; it’s about finding you.
Have you ever considered your ideal romantic partnership from this perspective:
- Who do I want to be when I meet the love of my life?
- What backstory will I have lived, one of victimhood or one of transcendence?
- What do I want to be able to share?
- Why will he or she be proud of me?
- What will I have to offer?
When you lean toward becoming the person you’ve always intended to be, your vibration changes. There’s an evolution in the signals you’re sending out. These are the vibes that attract the person you’re meant to be with.
Can you really manifest a partner?
Most popular philosophies about the law of attraction want to conflate manifesting with creating. We’re told over and over again that we create 100% of everything that happens to us. I’ve come pretty close to screaming my opinion about that, spittle flying.
I believe there’s a difference between creating and manifesting. Creating involves projecting, forcing, a strength of will. Manifesting requires receiving, allowing, a passive grace.
There’s an important component to meeting the love of your life that is out of your control. I believe we all need to accept that.
It is luck. It may be destiny, it may be fate…
You can manifest anything. You can create all kinds of things in this world. You can influence many aspects of your experience.
You can design much of the life you want… but you cannot design other people.
You can be ready. You can be willing, open, brave. You can definitely be in the process of discovering who you are in the world.
The better you know yourself, the better you and your potential mate can recognize one another.
The reviews of Cloudbusting are in!
I’m extremely grateful to everyone who has read my new novel. The Amazon reviews are excellent! I could not ask for better.
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After seven years of giving professional readings, I’ve observed that there are exactly three kinds of clients who ask questions regarding soul mates or romantic partnerships:
- Those who are single and dissatisfied and want to know how and when to acquire a romantic partnership.
- Those who are already partnered/ married, deeply dissatisfied or distressed.
- Those who are partnered to one person and pining away for another (an actual person or an ideal).
Then there are the clients who book readings to ask about other concerns:
- Those who are partnered, happy, and working on another area of their lives.
- Those who are single, happy, and working on another area of their lives.
So, a Theory:
If unhappy single people need guidance meeting someone, and if unhappy coupled people need guidance breaking up, then I must deduce the following:
- The “happiness factor” in our lives is entirely based on internal perspective.
- The “happiness factor” in our lives is independent of romantic status.
Did you get that?
A boyfriend will not “complete” you; and “getting a girlfriend” is the worst kind of substitute for “getting a life.”
The Other Kind of Passion
The elusive missing component to your sense of fulfillment, sense of joy, and sense of purpose in life is found in an entirely different area. It has little (potentially nothing) to do with whether or not anyone wants to date you.
The simple joys are found in numerous, humble external circumstances (easily accessible by most people, excluding obvious extreme hardship and tragedy) or the sense of peace is found in the internal modes of attitude and choice.
A Common Thread
The good news is that the “fix” for dissatisfaction is usually a single, universal pursuit that affects all facets of the life you’re creating. The fix is unique from one person to the next, but there’s a common thread within the life of every individual.
If you do indeed have a soul mate that you are destined to meet, that individual most likely waits for you within the vicinity of your sense of purpose, or within the realm of another humbler, simpler pursuit of happiness. A shared hobby. A common interest.
There’s one passion you can focus on that transforms all areas of your life simultaneously.
Deep down, you already know what that passion is. As you’re reading this, you have flashes of this knowledge — that goal you know you must achieve… that thing for which you feel you were put on this earth…
Go back to doing that — love will find you there.
If you do not know what that passion is for you, talk to me.
Image credit Simon Pais-Thomas via Creative Commons on Flickr