SPOILER ALERT: I'm healthy, but a little heartbroken.
Are you new to podcasts?
HOST LINKS - SLADE ROBERSON
BECOME A PATRON
*Transcripts are available on Sunday. To receive an email, join my mailing list
For years now, my friend Seth has had a ringtone assigned to my phone number, which is the theme music from Bewitched. So whenever I call, that's what he hears. And he just mentioned that it's from the very beginning of that track so there's this swirly anticipation that just precedes the awareness that I'm calling. And then there's the Bewitched music.
It's one of the greatest compliments I've ever received and it makes me incredibly happy every time I think about it. I think I'm gonna have to reverse assign the same music to his calls, just so that I can experience it more often. I just never get around to it. I'm sort of lazy about my tech.
Sidebar: for years now, I've wanted to write something about what I call the Cherry Pie principle. It reveals something about the magical system in the Bewitched world that's never actually explicitly explained to us in the TV show, that I know of.
So what happens is, there is an episode, you've probably seen it because we've all seen them a million times, and it may actually happen more than once. But I know for certain there is at least one episode where Darren is having some clients over last minute and Samantha's trying to throw together a meal like the good housewife that she is and she doesn't have anything for dessert.
She's like, "Oh crap, I gotta come up with a dessert quick." She's running into the kitchen and looking around, like, what can I do? And then she finally breaks down and has to use her magic.
She manifests, attracts, a cherry pie. But right in the moment before it shows it appearing in her hands, there is a brief shot of the cherry pie sitting on someone else's window sill, cooling. And it's either right before it appears to Samantha, or right after, that we see that shot.
But there's a very clear moment when I realized, it's kind of stealing. She's not manifesting particles out of the air in order to make something new. But she was actually using her magic to move something from somewhere else to her. Right? So nothing is either created or destroyed I guess, but she's not creating something necessarily. She's taking it. And in order for her to have it, someone else misses it.
I thought, oh isn't that fascinating? For all his moral objections to his wife working magic, why doesn't Darren just prosecute THAT principle?
I’m sure you also identify with Samantha, if you're listening to this show, so it’s probably likely that, like me, you somewhat expect to have a muggle husband. We probably expected that for most of our lives.
I actually consciously and intentionally prefer to date a muggle. I don't want to work when I'm not working. I don't need to have "deep conversations" all the time about what I'm talking about on this podcast. I always cringe a little bit when people assume that I love to have those kinds of interactions ALL the time, because it's kind of exhausting.
And I promise you, if you're friends with me or you have any kind of relationship with me, we are bound to have deep and thoughtful magical conversations. It's gonna happen, but we don't have to schedule it. You don't have to say, "Let's go have coffee and have a deep conversation tomorrow at 2."
It's kind of like a slot on my calendar.
What I need in a relationship is a very similar kind of support to what I get from my immediate family members. They're proud of my success. They love that I love what I do and I'm getting to do it, and they're not necessarily the audience for it. And they're not required to hang on my every word or listen to everything I put out there, and that's okay for everyone involved, including me.
I don't need that particular validation. I have that covered. You'r'e giving it to me right now. I have somebody listening to this stuff that I like to talk about. So at the end of the day, I don't need a client or a fan as a partner.
Now, a creative collaborator or business partner is definitely a possibility… I think that’s probably a unicorn, but I wouldn’t turn it down. Like, if I had a partner who wanted to work with me and manage the business side of things while I manage the content creation side of things. That would be awesome.
Mr. Moon, the Shoot the Moon guy, is a very talented graphic designer but successful in more of a corporate big business marketing world. There is enough overlap for at least speaking meaningfully about his work, like he can talk to me about it, I know what's involved in that kind of process, and I do branding and marketing all the time so I can talk about those aspects of my work and it would be meaningful and interesting to him, and he would have input.
I even had some branding projects I would have loved his direct opinion about, because I really like his taste.
Last week, when I posted the news that my ultrasound results were good, I put it in the intro of my episode with Dena DeCastro about the birth chart of the United States, if you haven't heard that yet. So if you haven't heard about this whole health scare thing that I was going through, you can listen to the two episodes before this, Bye Felicia, and the Natal Chart of the United States episode.
But after I put that news out there in the Facebook community as well, so many of you who have been following along with my love life this year and the Love Curse series, commented or wrote me privately and said, “YAY! Now you can go and have that amazing weekend in Dallas.”
He canceled 4 days before the flight. It felt a little bit like telling your kids that there wasn’t going to be any Christmas this year. That was almost really the worst part. It crossed my mind it should be humiliating to have to share this sad news on a podcast, in a Facebook group, in public, about my dreams getting crushed after this big set up.
The overwhelming emotion I have about doing this episode is not being able to give you guys a Happily Ever After. I wanted to represent for anyone else who's out there hoping for something similar to happen to them, and I haven't given up on that.
But I would've really liked to have given you something really sweet to chew on.
I discovered a problem with dating a Muggle. They don’t cope well when shit hits the fan. They don’t have the same tools or the same perspective as we might.
The same night I found my lump, Mr Moon got a DUI. That was the tail end of a full moon, by the way. I think it was Monday going in to a Tuesday.
Here is another potential REALLY BIG hole I found in long distance relationships. And online relationships. Both of which I have been wary of and somewhat closed to.
—it’s easy to hide something like alcoholism.
How could I know that behaviour was taking place? Even living in the same city and dating, he might have been able to hide it.
I had a DUI in my 20s, so I’m not quick to judge anyone that finds themselves in that specific situation.
I always did think it was a little ironic considering I had been a designated driver my entire 20s for all of my friends who really did like to drink. I never have been much of a drinker, and it was even proven by some of the other people’s attorneys that had been arrested that night, that the machine that they used to do the breathalyzers was defective. It was actually sent back to the manufacturer.
But I was still convicted just based on the officer testimony. And if you really want to know the truth, because my parents and I couldn’t afford an attorney.
Not the kind that gets you off.
I was humiliated and so upset that that could happen to me... I didn’t go anywhere near a situation like that ever again. I suppose the punishment was effective for me. Because I did not drink alcohol for close to 10 years.
I still don’t drive at night very much or in the areas where cops are looking for DUI quotas. Even when I'm sober.
I pretty much never went to a bar or nightclub ever again. Which, you know, these days we have Uber and Lyft and for god's sake, please use them.
If I was still in that phase of my life, still in my 20s and going out a lot, I would take advantage of that. I've kind of outgrown that whole thing so it's not as much of an issue.
When Mr. Moon was arrested, he had panic attacks while he was being held. That caused them to isolate him, to hold him even longer than normal without releasing him. That whole scenario traumatized him even more. It was a vicious circle.
He was in there for almost two days and probably time served with a good attorney on that case.
But Mr. Moon’s response to being in jail for DUI and being completely traumatized when he got out was to go out 48 hours later to a birthday party at a bar.
I was watching that on his Instagram. He’s a little bit of an oversharer. It’s not hard to keep tabs on where he goes. He does check-in’s and he posts locations.
For the next five days in a row after being released from the initial DUI arrest, he went to a bar. Every day for five days in a row.
And he railed at me angrily about the luck that had befallen him. That's what he kept referring to - this awful luck.
There was no conscious acknowledgment of how much he was going out before or after this happened but it actually increased afterwards.
The behaviour ramped up instead of being squashed.
It was like he said “Oh well, the worst has happened. Why even try to pretend I’m not getting loaded every day?”
But the only thing that he wanted to talk about was the pain of the money that he had to pay an attorney who is known for getting people out of this.
I have to say that filled me with a little bit of rage to think that I sort of got the book thrown at me for something in my 20s where I really was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and here was this man 53 years old, obviously this behaviour catching up with him. And he's talking about this horrible misfortune, lightning striking, and how his world is destroyed by how much money it's going to cost to get out of it.
It started to wear on my compassion a little bit, but I was already half in love with this person so I I challenged him — gently — but I did confront him about going to the bars every day.
His justification — I have to admit, he sort of seemed like he had the case ready to argue — he went to bars after work in the late afternoons or early evenings, never at night, usually for birthday parties or to have beers with his boss and prospective clients.
Now looking back, I remember a few months ago there was a string of birthday parties that he went to, in broad daylight as he said, after work, where it kind of made me think, because we were talking about the possibility of him moving here. It kind of crossed my mind, god, he's got so many friends though. I mean, look at all these people who invite him to their birthday party. He would miss all these people if he's that good friends with them.
And then, as we were having this bit of a confrontation about, dude, you know, you're going to bars a lot. He told me something he never mentioned to me before — his last relationship, which had lasted for 10 years, had ended because his partner was upset that he left work every day and always went somewhere to have a few beers before he came home.
He told me he would never be in a relationship again where he couldn’t go have a beer after work before he came home.
I was like, okay, well this is news to me.
In all the conversations that we had FOR TWO YEARS talking about what we want in a relationship, this was an item supposedly he claims is at the very top of his priority list. But he just never mentioned it.
At that point in the exchange, I finally just broke down and asked him, "Look, do you still want me to come?"
I was prepared at that point for him to say no. For him to back out.
He was unraveling right in front of me, every time we spoke. I just sort of summarized our conversations for you but I have to say, these were long, teeth gnashing, crying, emotional breakdowns and I just siphoned the actual information out of it to you.
He was really losing it. Right in front of me.
But he assured me that he absolutely did want me to come, that it was probably going to be a little bit of a different trip as far as what he might need from me attention wise and sort of the mood that he was in. But that he definitely needed me there. Possibly even more so.
I said, "Okay. I’m not gonna abandon you over this. I’ve been there. I know some answer to the uncertainty of the details you’re freaking out about being in this particular situation. I don't want to come at you with lecture and advice. So why don't you ask me for help." Or ask me, you know, what did you do about your driving permit to inform work? What did you do about this and that aspect of the court case?
I just laid it out there, like, okay, when you calm down and when you catch your breath, or even when we're together, if you want to talk about it, I'm willing to tell you anything that I can to help but I'm not gonna push it on you.
And he was like, very grateful for that but he didn't take me up on it.
As a matter of fact, he ghosted me after that conversation. After, "Yes, please come. I still need you here." He went drinking every day for the next five days. He put it all on Instagram. All birthday parties! At bars at supper time in the daylight, so it doesn't count, according to his delusion.
As I'm looking every day for a message from him, or what's going on with him, he even kind of implied, Oh, I'm just gonna go for a run and lock myself in my apartment and cry, and read and just be quiet and kind of internal. I thought, that's good. You need to go do some self care. I'll leave you alone.
And there he was, every day, at a bar and not talking to me. Not texting me. Not contacting me at all. And this was all, to his credit, he didn't know, but this was all happening while I was waiting to find out what the deal was with my lump.
See, I forgot to mention — I didn’t tell him about this whole cancer scare that I was going through. It happened the same night as his DUI. When I found the lump, I went to text him to see if he was maybe still up. It was a little late. And that's when he came back with the message, "I just got out of jail."
So while he's going to bars and whining about how much that attorney is going to cost him to get him out of the DUI, I am just silently waiting through my experience.
With you guys, yes. Thank you.
But not with him.
I chose not to tell him because I didn’t want to put something else on his plate. He really was losing his shit. The panic attacks were real. One of my good friends in college had panic attacks. I've been around people who have them
I intended to wait and tell him in person when I saw him and also hope that I would have good news by the time I even got there. And I would have had that by the way, so it could have been an unnecessary worry to throw at someone.
I don’t regret not telling him. It was the right thing to do. He was in no position to comfort or support me, anyway, best case scenario.
But this is all kind of what I meant about Muggles not have the tools — Because of my spiritual inner dialogue, my maybe having cancer was less of an existential crisis than someone of no faith having a legal issue.
Of course you guys held space for this. You do it all the time in our community. You know that whatever worries are going on with you, it doesn’t necessarily take energy to hold someone in your mind and heart and send them some thoughts when they're going through something.
It is exhausting to be in a state of helplessness when you're watching someone you care about suffer, but the fact I could not share any of that burden with him in the moment was kind of an instinct, a telling one, in and of itself.
I sound a little more bitter and angry telling the story now.
At the time, when he told me he didn’t want me to come after all, which by the way, I just got out of the blue after 5 days of NOTHING, I got this huge, big long text: I'm so sorry. I can't do it. I'm so sorry. Blahblahblah...
It was just like word vomit and it was 4 days before my flight. After 5 days of ghosting me and going and getting hammered, while I sat waiting to find out if I have cancer.
I thought, what the hell with this whole situation?
I put this in the prayer bowl. I gave this to Mary. She should handle this and protect me from all of this.
What I meant when I had those kind of bratty thoughts is that she should have protected the trip. She should have protected my ideals and my desires and this thing that I had my hopes on.
But when I asked for protection, I got it. My guides came in like a seal team and extracted my ass at the 11th hour from going any further with this relationship.
It's pretty amazing when you think about just how quickly it was all snatched away.
Can you imagine what would’ve happened had we gone several more months, another year into this relationship, rearranged our lives in order to live together and then once all the newness and the movement kind of settled down into something more routine... there would be this alcoholism waiting like a time bomb in the middle of my home and my life and my heart and my family.
Can you imagine how much damage that could’ve done?
I am safe. I am protected. I am fine.
Everything is always working out for me.
It is nearly impossible to discern when it's yourself in a romantic connection with someone else whether the early intuition of NO is about a sense of warning or sense of fear. Because of course fear is going to tell you NO, it’s not gonna work out, don’t do this, don’t go this way. Of course it is.
I’m pretty confident any other psychic will testify their abilities to recognize patterns for others, to pick up on foreboding, to hear whispers of danger, for other people, is all fine and dandy and in working order, but that when it is your own love life, that all gets a little bit muted and muddled.
Believe it or not I think it was Sylvia Browne in one of her earlier books, way before she kind of lost some of her credibility being on the Montel Williams show.
Sylvia talked about how relationships are the one way that we all learn our lessons so psychics have to learn those lessons too. They don’t get to cheat. They don’t get short cuts. They don't get get crib notes from heaven.
That would defeat the whole purpose of being here and learning the lessons that we do through loving others.
Make no mistake I am extremely disappointed.
A part of me was absolutely devastated and when people ask, "Why have you been single for so long?” I want to scream “This. THIS is why!”
One thing I can say though is that this time I didn’t do anything wrong. I did a lot of work this year to clear out a lot of stuff before I tried this and I didn’t bring any of that shit into this situation.
So I’m not going to beat myself up about being cursed. I wasn’t cursed. I'm not cursed. It's just part of the series title. It had to kind of follow through in order for you to stay with the thread.
I just happen to have become connected with someone who is in an active phase of denial and self sabotage, over an addiction, and hopefully this all leads to some milestone healing for him.
I found a thing that was missing from my big list. Seth suggested that I add it immediately: no active addiction issues.
But I am not cursed.
I am open and I’m brave and even though I did this big scary thing and said YES to it — and even shared it in pubic — and followed it through, I'm fine.
The world didn’t end. It didn't impact my work. I didn’t lose any friendships over it. No one got killed.
I won’t say that in those first few days — and you have to remember he cancelled the trip the same day that I went that doctors appointment just to get a referral for the ultrasound — I won't say that, in that state of fear and self-preservation I didn’t immediately think, see I’m not doing this shit anymore, we’re done, it's back to the tower.
My first impulse was definitely to retreat back into the place that I’ve been in for the last 18 years. But as I turned to walk back and raise the drawbridge I thought, wait a minute why would I impose a sentence on myself for someone else’s crimes and bad behavior.
I’m not going to do penance for someone else’s sabotaging addiction. That’s some co-dependent shit.
I have a Venus in Gemini. I don’t think we stick around for co-dependence very much.
So you may remember that I made that huge list when Dena suggested it was a good time in my life to ask for everything I want. To really shoot the moon.
And I honestly hadn’t done that since I was a teenager. My heart was broken in college. I didn’t even aim at the moon.
Mr Moon in Dallas checked absolutely every single box on that list with the exception of location and proximity. This long distance thing still is something that remains a difficult prospect for me.
I know people who have made long-distance relationships work. And I do often think about the fact that it’s unrealistic to think that in all the globe the perfect match for you, this soulmate scenario, is just going to show up within a 25 mile radius of your house.
Odds are really great that they’re going to be somewhere else and you’re gonna have to figure out how to close that distance.
Makes me a little weary and it makes me a little wary, but I don’t know if I need to write that into the list.
I mean it is supposed to be shoot the moon. So if the universe can move the guy to town, that would be great. Drop him off on my doorstep please.
Even I think that that's shooting beyond the moon and I'm not sure about asking for that. Maybe I’ll just sort of make it an asterisk *optional item.
But no active addiction and alcoholism - that's going on the list.
This great time period for me isn’t over by the way. This transit that I’m in. I've still got a long way to go with it. Well into the beginning of 2020. And they were these tent poles in the middle of the transit, the one in May, when I made my plane tickets. Remember that?
Obviously that was a turning point event, because I lost money on those flight tickets.
Something else peaks in August. That's the other tent pole and I’m curious to see what form that takes. Can it please not be something bad or expensive?
The thing about all this astrology stuff and I’ve been learning astrology since I was literally a little kid. I don’t know how it works. I don’t know how I so I often want to dismiss it. For it just to not be true just to take it off the table. For it to be one thing that I don’t have to think about.
And maybe one day we’ll get one of our astrologer friends on the show to explain how it all does work. What is the philosophy behind the reality of how this stuff affects us?
Shout out to Asa my partner early in this series of episodes.
Just yesterday she was talking about something, a big decision point that came up in her life and it was so exactly what Dena had posted about the new moon eclipse in Cancer. I just assumed Asa had read it.
She said she didn't normally pay a lot of attention to astrology so I sent her the link. And of course she came back and she was like, "Oh crap, that's like some crazy accurate stuff."
I said I know. Astrology always has a way of doing that to me.
I think I’m going to intellectually fake it out somehow and I never pull it off. It has the last word.
So, my big weekend never happened.
It was so blissful getting close to it.
Counting down the days
But... The launch was aborted.
I am not cursed. Just the opposite.
I am safe. I am protected. I am fine.
I am guided.
I am open.
And in the words of Molly Shannon’s immortal Sally O’Mally:
I’m 50. I’m 50 years old!
…there’s an Oracle message at the end of the audio episode…