Finding Your Soul Mate

When you think about finding your soul mate, always ask yourself this question:

"Who do you want to be when you meet the love of your life?"

This approach to passion takes care of many of your needs, beyond just the sexual and romantic. This is the compass of self love that will set you on a course for a great life, no matter who you are and whether you ever choose to partner permanently.

*This episode features a full text transcript below.


27 - Soul Mates and Twin Flames


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Hey, thanks for listening to the Shift Your Spirits podcast.

I’m your host Slade Roberson.

For eleven years, I’ve been a professional intuitive and the author of the blog Shift Your Spirits, where I try to write about spirituality with fewer hearts and flowers than most New Age blather.

I also mentor emerging intuitives, psychics, and healers in a program called Automatic Intuition.

One of my Patreon supporters requested an episode with my views about soul mates and twin flames.

I asked her "Are you *sure* you want to hear what I *really* believe about these topics? Because I may not say the things most people want to hear… I have a pretty no-bullshit opinion when it comes to this subject.”

She said that’s what she was hoping for and to bring it on.

Listeners who support the show on Patreon can access bonus Q&A episodes, where you guys send in questions, I record answers to them, and they go out to patrons of the show exclusively. 

But since I feel like this topic is a popular one, I’m going to put it out to the whole podcast audience, instead of doing it as an exclusive this time.

There is also a level of support that includes a free download of the guided meditation “Messages from your Spirit Guides."

So, if you want to find out how you can become a patron, and access the extra audio content, please go to

Bear with me.

This could be a random, non-linear conversation. I pulled up a lot of the material I’ve written about soul mates over the past twelve years. I’ve skimmed over it. It’s safe to say, my observations have not changed much. My opinions have deepened.

But I’m asking you to bear with me as I talk about it, because it could move in circles. Spirals, even.

My intention is that if I free-flow through this subject, as if I’m collecting little bits of wisdom and pointing them out to you, one or more of them will resonate with you and whatever questions you may have about your own life in terms of partnerships, karmic connections, soul mates.

There are a lot of messages for a lot of different people waiting to come through me.

So, I’m just going to dive in and swim around, and see what I can bring to the surface, okay?

If you’re still seeking, I will say this:

The more you grow into the person you’re truly meant to be, and you know yourself and have greater access to your wisdom… Unfortunately, it seems cruel, but your pool of potential mates gets smaller, not larger.

When you were in your teens, every potential person you caught in your net was a Young Adult trilogy just waiting to be written.

When you’re older and wiser, you start throwing back all the little fish without wasting much time and energy. You throw back some big fish, too.

And you’re okay with it.

Because you know yourself and what you truly require out of a partner.

Some of the big red flags I’ve noted for those who are seeking:

If you’re *trying* to find a partner, that’s problematic.

If you think you’ve found them, but you're *working to make them love you*. That’s a huge red flag.

If you’re calling more than one friend and/or psychic to help you decide if this one is the One, chances are … it isn’t.

No bellows required, here. You should not find yourself over there fanning the flames, trying to keep the spark going… That’s not how this should work.

Listen, the beginning should be fairly easy, and fun, and lot of mutual chemistry and excitement… If you’re working just to get *in* the relationship in the early stages.

You’re in danger, girl.

That’s some of the What Not to Do. Here’s a couple of things you definitely should do:

Say yes to things. People, events, invitations. Things that don’t, on the face of it, have anything to do with dating. Meeting potential partners through other friends is healthy. It makes sense for a lot of reasons.

And always ask yourself this — number one question:

Who do you want to be when you meet the love of your life? 

In other words, orient your life around other kinds of passions. This approach takes care of many of your needs, not just the sexual or romantic.

This is the compass and self love and true passion that will set you on a course for a great life, no matter who you are and whether you ever choose to partner permanently for life.

I’ll dip back into all of this more during this episode.


You might not know it, just from reading the articles on Shift Your Spirits, but Relationships are the #2 Most Requested type of Reading I perform. Although I can only directly tune in to the person who gives me access and permission, I am a big believer in the unique wisdom offered through astrological composite charts. This is where the natal information of two people is cast together as a chart of the synergistic relationship, as if the relationship itself is literally a living entity with its own personality and spiritual qualities. (I offer interpretations of these composite charts as a "bonus" to consultations for those with relationship questions, assuming you can supply the necessary birth information for both parties.)

Here are some of my “truths” about soul mates and relationships. These are some general chunks of wisdom I’ve observed during relationship readings and couples sessions, and truths I’ve learned the hard way — through my own personal experiences.

Relationships are the mirrors by which we experience ourselves. You are always having a relationship with some part of yourself, reflected and externalized by your partner.

There are differences between soul mates and twin flames. In the Western Hollywood vocabulary, soul mate is often intended to refer to a specific type of soul-contracted relationship that is synonymous with a twin flame — the idea that each person has one and only one perfect potential romantic partner. While I wouldn't say that there's no such thing as a twin flame, I would venture that it is a rare phenomena and not one which everyone is destined to experience in this lifetime. I also believe that we have many potential soul mates with whom we can create a variety of successful partnerships, including marriage.

Here’s what most people think they’re describing:

Of all the souls in all the galaxies there's just one and he happened to be born in the same era of time, same part of the globe, same culture, same language ... he even went to the same school and works out at the same gym. 

Those are some incredible odds. That's a tiny pool of possibilities. And a ton of pressure. Nobody's finding love under those circumstances.

And you know something I’ve noticed:

The only people who use the term "twin flame” and mean it — like, it’s not just a cool idea they daydream about, but they’re ready to set themselves on fire over it — they are usually in a crazy-ass triggered state.

That’s just my opinion. I’m sure I’m crushing somebody with that statement. You don’t have to agree with me. But I feel a lot of people resonating with that, and if you’re one of them, Yes. Keep the twin flame terminology in the Amazon page description of your paranormal romance series. Read all the delicious fiction you want to read about twin flames. But probably don’t base any important life decision on the concept.

We all have many potential soul mates with whom our partnerships defy categorization, type, or role — members of our spirit family, those with whom we walk together. Not all soul mates are required to exist within romantic, sexual, and/or marriage templates in order to be spiritually fulfilling. It's quite challenging to create a relationship with someone when the connection is greater than any known social construct, especially in the beginning. The power of the initial spark may be hard to compartmentalize without assuming it is meant to be romantic.

Spiritually important relationships are learning experiences even when they don't end up in bliss. Soul-contracted (in which you have chosen prior to this lifetime to know one another for the purpose of delivering [shared] lessons) or karmic relationships (in which we work out unfinished business or repay energetic debts) - these may often be painful or difficult, even while still being very spiritually significant.

Sometimes it's not about you — it may feel like you're playing the Lead, but sometimes you are a Supporting Actor, playing the role of messenger or teacher for your partner.

Projection and Transference are tricky forms of love. If you're a light worker, with a life purpose and/or a professional career that involves heart-centered healing, be aware that there is a big difference between clients/patients and friends/lovers. Anyone who appears to be both will probably belong to the client/patient category.

While “saving someone" may be motivated by a truly loving intention, it can be a disastrous foundation for a marriage.

The pattern in your relationships is carried by you, not by your partners. Mary has a disastrous relationship with John. Mary has another disastrous relationship with Bob. Mary has a so-so relationship with Michael. Mary says that all these men have the same issues. While that may be true, who’s the obvious common denominator in all these pairings? 

That’s right, Mary, we’re looking at you, girl.

If you’ve got a pattern, you’re the pattern.

Human beings are not ideas. Be careful that you're not having (desiring to have) a relationship with an idea. If you prioritize a Role over an individual person, you will be disappointed by anyone's inability to become that Idea.

Being alone is always better than being with the wrong person.

If you're not complete, no one else can complete you.

The ideal relationship is not 50-50 — in the highest numerical quantification, you bring 100% and your partner brings 100%. 50-50, 60-40, 70-30... These recipes are expressions of (and probably formulas for) co-dependence.

Sharing your life with someone who also has a life of his/her own can be the icing on the cake. But icing with no cake is a plate full of frosting, which is probably way less appealing (and ultimately less nourishing) than it sounds.

Having a relationship is never a good substitute for having a life.

A relationship is a unique entity co-created by the participants. It is not ultimately comparable to any other partnership.

You always attract the relationship with the lesson you are meant to learn at this time. You can't really fail at a relationship if you maintain the philosophical position that allows you to perceive it as a learning experience.

Lowering your vibration, playing small, or dumbing down to your partner's level in order to make the relationship "work" is unsustainable.

Don't bank on conditional future beneficial changes in your partner. "She'll be perfect for me once she..." "He'd be perfect for me if he'd just learn to..." This is like playing the Change Lottery. Evaluate the relationship based on what you know to be currently true. What if he never changes in the way you hope?

The balance of energetic currency in a relationship does not have to take the same form to be reciprocated. An excellent massage may be reciprocated by a gourmet meal. An expensive gift may be reciprocated by priceless emotional support.

There IS such a thing as a successful, temporary, transient relationship. Important or significant do not necessarily equal forever.

If you doubt that he's your soul mate, you're probably right — he's not.

Listen carefully when someone tells you she's not good enough for you — this is truth straight from the source. 

When people tell you they "don't want to hurt you" or "don't want someone to get hurt," it usually means they're preparing for that likelihood. This is a big clue to their expectations, if not their intentions.

If you want to be in relationship with a woman or a man who's into yoga (fitness, hiking, books, pets, spirituality... insert your interests here) don't look for him/her in a bar. You may get lucky, but the odds are stacked against you. Statistically — logically — most people in bars are into one thing for sure — drinking. Go to a more obvious, relevant source environment.

511 — Too Much Information. Confession, Authenticity, and Honesty are not necessarily the same things. Don't talk about your exes or introduce your history of relationship nightmares as a topic of conversation during your first few dates. Why do people continually make this mistake? If you want to open up, open up about a bright future, not your neurotic past. (Not yet, anyway... Save your Dark Secrets for someone who can receive them in the proper time and context.)

Be clear about your intentions and careful what you wish for — your ability to manifest is very powerful, for good or bad. If you choose to manifest a relationship where money/financial security is prioritized over other qualities like mutual love/respect, please don't be shocked when you find yourself in a loveless marriage with a rich dude who treats you like a trophy.

Your ability to receive (deserve) Abundance affects not only your relationships with people but also your relationship with other forms of wealth such as money.

The Good News is that the person you want to become, the life you ultimately want to create for yourself, and the partner you want to attract, with whom you can share your highest self and your best life, can be achieved as one goal. This power, this happiness, this flow — it's a package deal. 

You are most likely to fall in love with someone else when you fall in love with you — with your world. You are most likely to meet a partner who shares your values in an environment where like-minded people congregate over mutual ideals.

Let’s talk about surrender.

I recommend you surrender the whole love hunt.

Let it go.

Surrender this whole ... grasping thing.

You're spending way too much energy on what's missing.

But — let's make sure you spin the word surrender right:

It's not "give up" because "that ship has sailed."

This is about tapping into the phenomenon where the things you're looking for usually show up the minute you stop striving so hard to find them.

Now, you can’t cheat this magic.

You can't "pretend" not to look, yet really be looking...

Surrendering this constant “love hunt” is about redirecting your energy to the person you’ve always wanted to become.

That version of yourself is the same person as who you want to be when you meet the love of your life.

So trust that you can let it go.

You’re not going to “miss” anything that’s meant for you.

It'll happen when it happens, and you can either waste energy on it or effortlessly allow it to find you.

Let it find you busy making other amazing things happen in the world.

Your ex is getting married. You saw the engagement pics on Facebook. You’re internally beating yourself up for having such a petty emotional response.

"Even that asshole has someone … really?" "There must be something profoundly wrong with me that I’m still alone, while…"

It’s entirely human to have this internal conversation; but while you’re at it, ask yourself:

"Who do I want to be when I meet the love of my life?"

Prioritize becoming that person.

The better you know yourself, the more likely you and your potential mate can recognize one another.

It’s not about finding them; it’s about finding you.

Focus on a passion that has nothing to do with anyone else.

Alone or partnered (or something else) it’s a win in all potential scenarios.

Becoming who you've always wanted to become — focusing on a passion that has nothing to do with anyone else — this is the key ingredient to attracting the right partner.

It's not about finding them; it's about finding you.

Have you ever considered your ideal romantic partnership from this perspective:

  • Who do I want to be when I meet the love of my life?
  • What backstory will I have lived — one of victimhood or one of transcendence?
  • What do I want to be able to share?
  • Why will he or she be proud of me?
  • What will I have to offer?

When you lean toward becoming the person you've always intended to be, your vibration changes. There's an evolution in the signals you're sending out. These are the vibes that attract the person you're meant to be with.

Can you really manifest a partner? Most popular philosophies about the law of attraction want to conflate manifesting with creating. We're told over and over again that we create 100% of everything that happens to us. I've come pretty close to screaming my problems with that.

I believe there's a difference between creating and manifesting. Creating involves projecting, forcing, a strength of will. Manifesting requires receiving, allowing, a passive grace.

There's an important component to meeting the love of your life that is out of your control. I believe we all need to accept that.

It is luck. It may be destiny, it may be fate…

You can manifest anything. You can create and attract all kinds of things in this world. You can influence many aspects of your experience.

You can design much of the life you want… but you cannot design other people.

You can be ready. You can be willing, open, brave. You can definitely be in the process of discovering who you are in the world.

The better you know yourself, the better you and your potential mate can recognize one another.

After eleven years of giving professional readings, I've observed that there are exactly three kinds of clients who ask questions regarding soul mates or romantic partnerships:

  1. Those who are single and dissatisfied and want to know how and when to acquire a romantic partnership.
  2. Those who are already partnered/ married, deeply dissatisfied or distressed.
  3. Those who are partnered to one person and pining away for another (an actual person or an ideal).

Then there are the clients who book readings to ask about other concerns:

  • Those who are partnered, happy, and working on another area of their lives.
  • Those who are single, happy, and working on another area of their lives.

So, I have a Theory:

If unhappy single people need guidance meeting someone, and if unhappy coupled people need guidance breaking up, then I must deduce the following:

  • The "happiness factor" in our lives is entirely based on internal perspective.
  • The "happiness factor" in our lives is independent of romantic status.

Did you get that?

A boyfriend will not "complete" you; and "getting a girlfriend" is the worst kind of substitute for "getting a life."

The Other Kind of Passion

The elusive missing component to your sense of fulfillment, sense of joy, and sense of purpose in life is found in an entirely different area. It has little (potentially nothing) to do with whether or not anyone wants to date you.

The simple joys are found in numerous, humble external circumstances (easily accessible by most people, excluding obvious extreme hardship and tragedy) or the sense of peace is found in the internal modes of attitude and choice.

A Common Thread

The good news is that the "fix" for dissatisfaction is usually a single, universal pursuit that affects all facets of the life you're creating. The fix is unique from one person to the next, but there's a common thread within the life of every individual.

If you do indeed have a soul mate that you are destined to meet, that individual most likely waits for you within the vicinity of your sense of purpose, or within the realm of another humbler, simpler pursuit of happiness. A shared hobby. A common interest.

There's one passion you can focus on that transforms all areas of your life simultaneously.

Deep down, you already know what that passion is. As you're reading this, you have flashes of this knowledge -- that goal you know you must achieve… that thing for which you feel you were put on this earth...

Go back to doing that -- love will find you there.

If you do not know what that passion is for you, talk to me.

Instead of the way I usually do the oracle at the end of an episode, I want to just share some thoughts with you.

You know what I find consistently amazing about the Universe? (Well, just one aspect, among so many...)

Over and over again I am awestruck by the rarity and perfection of the connections between souls in the briefest parcels of time.

It's so easy to take for granted, to go worrying the Magic That's Missing like a toothache or a raw spot on your gum, your tongue returning helplessly to a mysterious emptiness or source of pain... Where's the Soul Mate? Where’s that perfect Co-Star?

But stop this week (at least today) to consider the precision and force with which unimaginable abundance still manages to find you.

What are the Chances? What are the Odds?

I mean, when you consider how vast is this one dimension we most exist in — is the third dimension one dimension? or do we exist in three? oh, hell, it doesn't matter, we don't consciously occupy much among many — when you contemplate how many billions of souls are incarnate at this moment, from among the trillions who have come and gone...

When you consider the eye-blink in time in which we dwell, how can it be that we have come to know one another?

What fragile spark of miracle has made possible your best friend?

  • ...the sweet pets that have found you, who seem grown from pieces of your heart.
  • ...the books that have defied so much chance to fall off shelves right in front of you and speak to you across miles and centuries.
  • ...that even one human being loves you (let alone the many).
  • ...that the clouds have piled up in a big sky just so, just for you, just in that moment.
  • ...that there can be such a perfect song that knows how to find you riding radio waves across across air and space, that can always manage to make you cry.
  • ...that you could accidentally wander in front of a landscape so picturesque you forget to breathe (just for a second).
  • ...that a stranger meets your eye in passing, smiles, and is gone.

The improbable choreography, the great Spiral Dance, dwarfs all petty bothers and complaints and leaves me speechless, looking about in wonder.

How can it be?

Really, how can this be that I am here in this moment — that we are here — that you have chanced to listen this and share in contemplation of my questions...

For just a moment notice what is greater than your sadness or even your joy, what you're missing or what you find in plenty...

Fucking Amazing.


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